Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Query Roundtable

After reading through 200 queries for The Writers Voice competition I got a good idea of what works. And why mine wasn't.

When I read Rachel's post about the Query Roundtable I was thrilled.

Many of the other talented writers in the competition, especially the winners, had very tight queries focusing on the main characters and the main plot. Mine was kind of all over the place with minor characters and subplots.

So I've rewritten my query (let's call it draft 347).  I focused it on my two main POV characters. I tried to show a bit of their personalities and give the main conflict. It pretty much killed me to not talk about the rest, but I guess that's query writing, and I still pretty much suck at it.

Tell me what you think. And I'll do the same for you.

Take 2: (5/23)


Fifteen year-old Ana doesn’t realize the men trying to kidnap her are actually demons trying to collect on a lucrative bounty set by Hell. And Tam, that sexy new guy? He’s a bounty hunter too.

Ana Owen is one crazy secret away from sewing herself into a straitjacket. First, there was the perfect boy from her recurring dreams. He waltzes into reality to play out her dream in the flesh. He kisses her right in front of her boyfriend, effectively ruining her life. Sorry, I thought I was dream-cheating is the most crazy-pathetic excuse ever.

Then there were the rotten-egg smelling men who were weirdly obsessed with her eyes, one green, one hazel. These would-be kidnappers recoil in agony at her touch—one guy even breaks out into boils. Ana has no idea what is wrong with her

What she really needs is someone to talk to, someone with answers. Enter Tam, charming and confident he swoops in to save the day when more attackers show up. But Ana can’t shake the feeling Tam knows more than he’s letting on.

Ana discovers her kidnappers are demons. But no one seems to know why Hell would be interested in her, or why the demons would react so violently to her touch. She must figure out what is going on before the demons succeed in dragging her down to Hell.

BLOODFRUIT is a 95,000 YA urban fantasy that combines a retelling of the Sumerian myth of Inana’s descent into the underworld and PARADISE LOST to create a world where a teenage girl’s blood holds the key to creating bodies for an army of the Damned.



NEW Query:


Fifteen year-old Ana doesn’t know her blood can create bodies for the Damned. Or that the sexy new guy is a bounty hunter for Hell. And she’s his bounty.

Ana turns to her “journal” when she needs to think. She scribbles her thoughts onto smooth stones using multicolored sharpies, and casts them into the Pacific so no one will be able to read her thoughts. Which is probably a good thing because she’d probably be locked up in a mental ward if she left entries like these lying around:

Someone is trying to kidnap me, but they can’t actually touch me.
What am I?
I might know what it feels like to die.
What does it mean to have a soulmate?

Ana just wants someone to talk to, someone with answers. But she never imagined anyone would find the stones and write her back.

So when Tam shows up to save the day giving off the vibe that he knows more about her would-be kidnappers than he’ll admit, Ana is suspicious. She doesn’t know if she can trust him, and tosses a stone into the sea with a single question: Who is Tam?

Tam thought his bounty-hunting days were over, but then he heard the whispers about this new job. Very lucrative, with the added mystery of being the only No-Kill bounty Hell has ever issued. Tam’s curiosity is peaked. Besides he needs the gold. He just has to find this girl before the horde of demons who are also after the bounty get to her.

Ana turns to Tam for answers, but discovers he has secrets of his own. She must figure out what is going on, and find a way to stop the demons before they succeed in dragging her down to Hell.

18 comments:

  1. You've got a great foundation here, but I still think your query wants for tightening. As is, it's a bit on the long side and still feels a little scattered. One point also left me confused, which I'll come to later down.

    HOOK: You need a hyphen between "Fifteen" and "year". Otherwise the rest is awesome.

    Honestly, while I find the stones being used as a journal pretty intriguing, I don't think it's needed for the query. This is actually the part that left me confused in fact. Does Ana think that Tam found some of her "journal" entries and read them? If so, why'd she throw another one asking "Who is Tam?"

    "She doesn’t know if she can trust him, and tosses a stone into the sea with a single question: Who is Tam?"

    That sentence in specific confused me, because it feels so out of place. It doesn't lead in to anything, or seem to tie into the rest of the query that follows at all.

    While this is my opinion purely, I think you'd have a stronger query if you cut everything and started with something like this:

    "Ana just wants someone to talk to, someone with answers. So when Tam shows up to save the day giving off the vibe that he knows more about her would-be kidnappers than he’ll admit, Ana is suspicious."

    What I did was just cut all mention of the journal stones, because really it doesn't seem to be quite important enough to be taking up such a huge chunch of your query. You can just as easily convey that Ana is suspicious of how much Tam knows without ever mentioning the stones in the query. The finer details are for the manuscript, not your query.

    It'd require some revising now with so much cut out, and I think you need to add another sentence or two of a different sort of conflict for Ana. The rest of the query down I actually like.

    I hope this helps in some small way and do just take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I'm no query writing expert. These were just my initial impressions.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Susan!! I like what you have there. Suggestions below...

    Fifteen-year-old Ana doesn’t know her blood can create bodies for the Damned or that the sexy new guy is a bounty hunter for Hell. And she’s his bounty.

    Ana turns to her “journal” when she needs to think. She writes on smooth stones and casts them into the Pacific so no one will be able to read her thoughts. If anyone ever found them, she’d probably be locked up in a mental ward because they usually read like this:

    Someone is trying to kidnap me, but they can’t actually touch me.
    What am I?
    I might know what it feels like to die.
    What does it mean to have a soulmate?

    Ana wants someone to talk to, someone with answers. When a young man named Tam shows up to save the day, Ana is suspicious. He seems to know more about her would-be kidnappers than he’ll admit and seems to know a lot about Ana.

    Tam thought his bounty-hunting days were over until he heard the whispers about a new job. It was very lucrative, and with the added mystery of being the only No-Kill bounty Hell ever issued, Tam’s curiosity is piqued. It rose to new heights when he followed her to the shore and salvaged her weird rock journal. He just has to find the girl before the horde of demons does.

    Ana turns to Tam for answers, but discovers he has secrets of his own. She must figure out what's going on, and find a way to stop the demons before they succeed in dragging her down to Hell.

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    Replies
    1. Jo, I like the way you tightened up the first paragraph after the hook. So much less wordy.

      Delete
  3. Hey there! These are only my opinions and should be taken with a grain on salt. Accept/discard them as you see fit.


    Fifteen-year-old Ana doesn’t know her blood can create bodies for the Damned (What/Who are the Damned?). Or that the sexy new guy is a bounty hunter for Hell. And she’s his bounty. (I really like this last sentence!)

    (I like this concept of a journal, but it just feels disconnected to the hook. I feel like there could be a better way to introduce the kidnappers into the query.)Ana turns to her “journal” when she needs to think. She scribbles her thoughts onto smooth stones using multicolored sharpies, and casts them into the Pacific so no one will be able to read her thoughts. Which is probably a good thing because she’d probably be locked up in a mental ward if she left entries like these lying around: (good voice here)

    Someone is trying to kidnap me, but they can’t actually touch me.
    What am I?
    I might know what it feels like to die.
    What does it mean to have a soulmate?

    Ana just wants someone to talk to, someone with answers. But she never imagined anyone would find the stones and write her back. (Is Tam the one that read them? Why would she throw another stone in asking who he is to himself?)

    So when Tam shows up to save the day giving off the vibe that he knows more about her would-be kidnappers than he’ll admit, Ana is suspicious. She doesn’t know if she can trust him, and tosses a stone into the sea with a single question: Who is Tam?

    (This jumps to Tam's POV. Generally, agents want you to pick ONE character's POV and stick to it. Even if there's other character's POV's in the story.) Tam thought his bounty-hunting days were over, but then he heard the whispers about this new job. Very lucrative, with the added mystery of being the only No-Kill bounty Hell has ever issued. Tam’s curiosity is peaked. Besides he needs the gold. He just has to find this girl before the horde of demons who are also after the bounty get to her.

    (And now it's back to Ana's POV. This is confusing.) Ana turns to Tam for answers, but discovers he has secrets of his own. (Secrets that you already divulged. It would add to the mystery if you never told us.) She must figure out what is going on, and find a way to stop the demons before they succeed in dragging her down to Hell.

    This sounds like a very interesting read, but the query still needs tightening and reworking. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amanda, thanks for your input and questions. It helps a lot to see how other people react to the query.

      Tam's not the one who finds her journal. Maybe I should cut that bit. Or all of it. I really don't know. I was trying something new to introduce the conflict and give a taste for my MC at the same time, and I'm not sure it's working or if I should go back to earlier versions of introducing the kidnappers.

      I'll rewrite and stick w/ Ana. My last query was all over the place. I just didn't know if I could leave Tam out since the book opens with his POV.

      Delete
  4. For your first sentence, you want it to be a hook- think a movie/book tagline so brainstorm some catchy phrases. Use Tam’s name in the opening too- he's important! “Ana just wants someone to talk to, someone with answers. But she never imagined anyone would find the stones and write her back.” – this is a good start at a hook, actually. I’m a little confused as to what your main conflict is- is it between Tam and Ana? Or between the pair of them and the demons? You have an interesting idea and by fine-tuning your points with a little clarity, I think you’ll be well on your way!

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    1. I like the idea of using Tam's name in the hook! I've been struggling to show that he is important, thus the query with too many POVs. My main conflict is between Ana and the demons. I'll try to stress that in the next draft.

      Delete
  5. I agree with Rachel. It's intriguing, but still a little confusing. I learned from Query Shark to focus on three questions, and fill in the blanks that are needed from there.

    1. WHO is the MC?
    2. WHAT is their conflict? (What needs fixing, what are they going through)
    3. What are the stakes? (What will happen if they fail at "fixing" what needs fixed.)

    It sounds to me like Ana is kind of an outcast and doesn't know what she is or how she fits into the world. Then along comes Tam with answers that make her wonder how the heck he knows so much about her, but still starting to make her feel like she's finally understood. What she doesn't know is that he's got a job to do, and she's the target.

    I'd focus on Ana and HER problems. It's okay if, in the query, Tam looks like the "bad guy" when really it's Hell (am I right?) You just need to get across that she's threatened and if she fails she'll go to Hell.

    Good luck! <3

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    Replies
    1. I meant Rachel Russel, the first comment :-) the other wasn't there yet when I brought up the page <3

      Delete
    2. Darci, thanks for your questions. I think answering them is going to help my next draft.

      1. Ana
      2. Demons are trying to kidnap her and she has no idea why
      3. If she doesn't figure it out & stop them they'll use her blood to make bodies for the damned (keeping her alive in Hell, but continuously draining her blood)

      And yes, you're right :) The bad guy is really Hell, not Tam, because he changes his mind about bringing her in. I guess I've just been trying to make sure Tam doesn't look like a bad guy in my query.

      Thanks for your help!

      Delete
  6. I agree with the others about getting rid of the journal stones in the query. Focus on the who, the conflict, the stake, and the obstacles. Why is her blood able to create new bodies? Who kidnaps her? Who does she think Tam is when he shows up? I would keep the query in Ana's POV only. In the housekeeping part of the query, you can mention that it's told in dual POVs. Hope this helps!

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    Replies
    1. Nicole, I'm definitely sold on writing a new draft from only Ana's POV. I'm not sure whether I should say why her blood can create bodies for the damned because it's one of things kept back until the very end, but maybe I should? Demons are trying to kidnap her; I suppose I should really mention that... thanks for your thoughts!

      Delete
  7. I actually really like this, minus perhaps the journal examples you use. I don't think it’s needed and there is a chance the questions will turn people off (Ya know, how agents seem to hate rhetorical questions. Unless you can change what the entries say, those just seems little generic and cliché. "What am I?" probably has to go... =)But the journal aspect really brings us into the story which I love (I vote you keep it!!)

    The switch to Tam's POV throws me off a little bit-- is it really needed? Even if it is a split POV, I'm not sure you need to show both. Hers is more interesting (although I do like the "only No-Kill bounty Hell has ever issued" idea (but that is shown in your first pages right? If I remember your Writers voice entry correctly) If there is a way to play that up from her POV it might be a good way to end the query. The big question seems to be “Why is she so important”, so show us that a little more (towards the end) and leave us thirsty for more!

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    1. Stacey,
      I can always change what the entries say :), and now that you've mentioned it I'm definitely changing that one! (I was just trying to keep them short enough to write on rocks, but it turns out you can fit a lot on a rock)

      I'll probably cut Tam's POV (yes the no-kill thin comes up in my first 250- fist sentence in fact). I'll work on trying to show why she's so important. Although it's a conundrum from her POV because she doesn't know. It would be so much easier writing this query from the villain's POV :)

      Delete
  8. I like the idea of the journal stones in the query, but only IF they are truly a key point to the story. If everything hinges on her journal stones, then you should mention them in your query. But you don't need to mention the specific "journal entries" here. Simply mentioning that she keeps a "jornal" by writing questions on the stones and tossing them into the sea is enough for me.
    However, I was confused when you said someone found them and started writing back... You jump to a description of Tam here, but then you imply that he's NOT the one who answers her stones. Does she think he's the one answering her (even if he's not the one)? If so, why does she ask "Who is Tam?" If it's obvious to everyone (even her) that Tam is not the one responding to her questions, perhaps you need to rethink this transition.

    I was also thrown by the switch in POV in your query. I saw your comment where you mention that the book starts with Tam's POV, and I'm guessing that's why you wanted to include that in the query... Is it possible that the problem isn't how to fit it all into the query but maybe you simply need to start your story in a different place (perhaps with her POV instead of his)? Just something to think about.

    P.S. If you keep Tam's POV in the query, pay attention to word choice. Is his curiosity really "peaked" (i.e. it's reached its highest limit), or is it "piqued" (i.e. excited)?

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  9. Wow, Sue! What an improvement in the new version! The second paragraph has a stumbly flow to it. Maybe combine the second and third sentence. That's all that stand out to me now. Much clearer!

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    1. Oh you're right. I didn't read this out loud before I posted.

      First, there was the perfect boy from her recurring dreams waltzing into reality to play out their scene in the flesh. He kisses her right in front of her boyfriend, effectively ruining her life.

      Better?

      Delete
  10. Hi Susan,
    I think your opening paragraph is very effective. It definitely caught my eye! In the second paragraph, you use the word probably twice in the same sentence, so you might want to consider taking one of them out to help the flow of your sentence. I love that you added some of the notes she made. That broke up your query and made it interesting. I would like a little bit more of an explanation about her blood. Why does it do that? How did they find out about that? What do they need to do in order to create the bodies? The last sentence in your query really caught my eye, and it made me want to read more.

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my query. I really appreciate the suggestions since I am new to this. With that said, I hope you take my suggestions with a grain of salt. These were just some things that I thought of as I was reading.

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