tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post8079468598281189282..comments2022-11-06T05:55:59.057-08:00Comments on Strawberry Hanky: Back to the drawing boardSueJayhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14428582843087294011noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-27622171937612301162012-02-08T09:20:14.637-08:002012-02-08T09:20:14.637-08:00Exactly what Emily said. A has the voice, and B h...Exactly what Emily said. A has the voice, and B has the info. I'd order a hybrid for sure. <br /><br />With A, I agree that you should cut the second paragraph. With B, I'd cut the first paragraph and start with the smokin' hot kiss. Also with B, I couldn't figure out who was who, so maybe be more clear about who's the boyfriend and who's the dreamboy. <br /><br />Either way, I must read it! Too bad I'm not an agent, yes?Ehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18327110010939707655noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-5027598209565554632012-02-08T08:16:15.453-08:002012-02-08T08:16:15.453-08:00Definitely B, it seemed A jumped all around and wa...Definitely B, it seemed A jumped all around and was hard to follow.Nana and Papahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15212551178132219239noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-89469926022302919152012-02-08T00:11:01.958-08:002012-02-08T00:11:01.958-08:00To me,I liked the story line of B better.To me,I liked the story line of B better.Shukmeisterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12309633549619852734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-18206246614750348322012-02-07T15:15:17.920-08:002012-02-07T15:15:17.920-08:00A sparkles more and is more succinct and original....A sparkles more and is more succinct and original. (I would scratch the whole second paragraph though.) <br /><br />What B has going for it is its chronology--more play-by-play and less of a teaser than A. So it depends on what the agent is asking for--more "what actually happens" or more "hook me so I want to read more"?<br /><br />B just needs two things: tightening and, as much as I hate to use this word, pizzazz. I dare you to delete 60 words and make your average words-per-sentence shorter. I'd give some serious thought to word choice as well, if you want it to feel less cliche, yet read as "movie trailerish" as A does.<br /><br />Perhaps a hybrid of the two is in order?Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09877102294217452140noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-11754611703542927082012-02-07T14:31:32.953-08:002012-02-07T14:31:32.953-08:00I like A and I CANNOTWAITTOREADTHIS!!! EEEEEEK!I like A and I CANNOTWAITTOREADTHIS!!! EEEEEEK!Cristinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17060142095952032985noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-83613943409983300672012-02-07T14:24:32.066-08:002012-02-07T14:24:32.066-08:00These sound really good!! I like A the best. Good ...These sound really good!! I like A the best. Good Luck, hope someone publishes this so I can read it :o)Samanthahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14369117955767238717noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-46346382722463651172012-02-07T12:10:05.292-08:002012-02-07T12:10:05.292-08:00I can tell your summaries are getting better with ...I can tell your summaries are getting better with practice. <br />"A" is better. <br />Also, if you're going to capitalize "Evil," you should capitalize "Good."Ryan Baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18120310853178219404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-36252371987048929312012-02-07T11:51:16.762-08:002012-02-07T11:51:16.762-08:00I liked elements of both, but favor B more.I liked elements of both, but favor B more.Jenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04797736424696281311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107967316338974004.post-74629069282638420882012-02-07T11:40:57.589-08:002012-02-07T11:40:57.589-08:00I liked A better.
Good luck. :)I liked A better.<br /><br />Good luck. :)Marshahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10034941384353103695noreply@blogger.com